My life is slowly getting back to normal. Dad is doing better (mostly). The court case is over. My performances at 2nd Story are over. A friend who came to the Monday performance asked me what was going on…and I couldn’t think of a thing to tell him. I know this is not the case. I’m kinda busy, but I don’t feel like I am busy for me but rather for other obligations.
I have a number of plans in the works. A new bootcamp starts again on May 24th. I will be there! I have let bootcamp slide a lot because I have been busy, I was out of town, the weather was sucktastic, I’m a lazy bastard, I haven’t been sleeping well, yadda yadda. So I will recommit to that and to WW. Also, there is this thing on Facebook that my friend Merry talked me into: The Summer Novelists Club. God help me, I need to finish my thesis. My mom has this GIANT diamond ring that was my grandmothers and she said she would give it to me for my graduation present and I told her that might not happen (in a fit of depression) and she said she would sell it then AND I CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN. Nothing like bribery, greed, and diamonds to motivate a girl. That ring should be mine! So I am committing to 500 words a day. It can’t be that hard, right? Or WRITE? HA HA ha…yeah whatever.
But the truth is that I need to finish my degree so I can move forward in my life. The fact that my job may or may not be on the chopping block…AGAIN has got me thinking that I have made some poor career choices and perhaps I need to re-think this whole thing. My dad, an HR professional, was out of work so much at the end of his career and it caused him so much anxiety, I would really like a way to avoid that.
Project management is something I am good at, but these positions are not being filled right now. PR either. I really don’t see myself making a living as a novelist. So few people really can. So, what? Massage therapist? Interior designer (this was the choice I always got on those aptitude tests people took in high school, but since my personal design style is arrested at about…high school, it might not be such a good idea). I used to think of teaching, but then I would have to, you know, teach. I can’t abide sick people so all health care is out. I have been told that I should be a therapist but I have my dad’s lack of patience with people who can’t figure out their shit after I figure it out. Am I playing, “Why don’t you…? Yes, but…” with myself? I envy people with job security. I envy those people who adore what they do. I like my job very much, but it doesn’t fill my heart and soul with fire. I am fully aware that that may be too much to ask and most people don’t have that. Does anyone have a suggestion or advice?
I wish I knew. I have no frickin’ idea what it would be like to enjoy my work or have any ounce of passion behind it.
I don’t have any idea what ‘to be when i grow up.” I basically shoved those thoughts aside for 10 years because it felt selfish to want more and because my schedule/pay was pretty good. And I was terrified to try anything else. Then I realized my soul was being sucked out by work and HAD to do something else, but had to wait till the Ladyfriend was done with school. But I poo-poo all ideas because I am scared.
Sigh. I have spent now 14 years shoving ideas down…it is time to figure out how to let myself be open to something else.
So…no advice or suggestions…but if you figure it out, lemme know too ok?
Hang in there!
Having just read your most recent post, I submit you would be a super hot mechanic. We know from experience that the job stuff always works out and stressing never makes it work out any faster. And you should get your degree because you’ve earned it, so it’s not hanging over your head, and because you’ve already got your thesis for Pete’s sake. A big heirloom diamond? That’s icing on the cake of annihilating unfinished business. Love you!