El Dugan

I have always wanted an exotic pet of some kind. I know, I know! This is not a good idea. I blame it on a book I had when I was little called, If I Had a Lion by Liesel Moak Skorpen. It is about a little girl who has a lion pet. He follows her around, waits outside of school for her, eats her veggies when she doesn’t want to, and puts his big shaggy head on her bed at night if she has bad dreams. It is a very cute book and I still have it somewhere.

I want a lion or a tiger or a monkey or a sugar glider or a fenic fox or a sloth. I know this is not a good idea, especially with those larger animals who would eat me. I don’t want a real lion, but that child’s book version of a lion, like a person in a lion suit. And having heard Big A’s story about when his dad bought them a monkey and it wreaked havoc in their house, I know even a monkey would be problematic. Jeff Corwin says his fenic fox attacks visitors. Even Shreve over at The Daily Coyote says having a wild animal as a “pet” is tough and limits your life very much.

Ok, all of this is true.  I am never going to get a monkey, or a chinchilla, or a sugar glider…BUT LOOK AT THE SLOTHS!

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

I WANTS ONE! My precious…

I do a two-toed sloth imitation, you know. I am quite famous for it in some circles.

Okay, maybe I will stick with the mini-pony. Look at it! It’s apartment sized!

The inevitable Facebook backlash has begun, or perhaps it is well underway and I am just noticing its vitriol now.  I just saw a someone on Facebook joined a group called “Quit Facebook Day”. Oh, the irony. And that day is May 31. You gonna quit?

I have been proponent of Facebook for a long time. Years, in fact. I played Bejeweled Blitz until I saw gems floating on the back of my eyes as I tried to sleep. I stalked and found dozens of people I thought I would never find again. I have rekindled friendships with some amazing people, received support and congratulations for accomplishments, satisfied my curiosity about a number of exes and wasted a goddamn lot of time. I know of events, planned events, learned way to much about people, waffled about my relationship status, had fights about what was posted or not posted on Facebook, and discovered communities I am surprised I ever did without. I have had the bizarre experience of getting a Friend Request from a person I knew who had just died. It, in short, changed my life.

But I get why people are starting to be done.

The privacy stuff is upsetting. Instead of opting in, now you have to opt out. Bummer. And you have to do it OVER and OVER. It is a drag. I have to keep locking down my profile. I had to start a separate profile for work because I couldn’t control what was going on there, enough. No problem. Now I have profile #2 on which I am friends with a bunch of work people and nuns. But I can’t quit. Not yet.

Seriously, how would I keep up with my cousins in California, Seattle, Pittsburgh, not to mention my friend all over the world? I feel like my world would dramatically shrink. I might have more privacy but it would not be worth it. So far. But I am waiting for the next thing.

I was heading to a meeting in the city yesterday, from my job on the South Side and I heard/felt weirdness in the car. I was going about 60 on the Dan Ryan. There is no shoulder on the Ryan so I drove a little bit while swearing, to a safeish place to pull over. It was a triangle of road in between an  exit ramp and the rest of the Ryan.

I had a flat.

This is not a surprise. Big A is secretly good at car stuff and noticed a weird tire noise a while ago. He told me the right front tire was going to go. My response? Turn up the radio.

I’ve had flats before but I was taught you stay in your car, call AAA and wait for help. Well, I called and they said it would be TWO HOURS. WTF, AAA? So I thought, since I had some time to wait, I should at least TRY to change the tire myself. I mean, seriously, how hard could it be? I changed a taillight earlier in the year. That was a piece of cake.

I dug around in the trunk, found the donut tire, the tire iron and went about loosening the bolts and working on getting the jack out of the trunk. The bolts are always what put me off. They are tightened by a big machine and I have tried to loosen bolts on other cars in other tire emergencies, to no avail. But this time, after standing on the tire iron, while passersby in cars and truck yelled helpful advice and meditations on my butt-thrust-out, squatty position, I got all the bolts loosened.

I had the jack up under the car and was pumping it to raise the car up, when the IDOT guy pulled up in his giant magical truck of help-you-on-the-side-of-the-road stuff. While he situated his truck, I removed the tire and had the donut in place. He came up laughing, told me he was impressed, I was doing better than most men who tried to do this because at least I hadn’t put the jack in upside-down. He replaced the little jack for his big pneumatic jack and finished the job for me, thankfully. He got the bolts good and tight.

My tire was shredded. As I rolled it to the trunk, bits of it fell off. Oops.

Anyway, me and the IDOT guy chatted a while, he showed me, should I ever have to do this again, where I should put the jack (I was a little off) and we shook hands and parted ways.

I was immensely proud of myself.  I changed a tire.

When I was in Iowa, I had a flat in my old Toyota. I panicked. I called my bf who called the tire people and then came to rescue me. I was on the highway, just out of town. A whole bunch of truckers stopped, one after another,(this was before EVERYONE had a cell phone) and when I told them I had called for help, they went on there merry way, except one guy. He tried to get me to get in the truck with him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and even made a weird grab at my arm. I got back in my car and locked the doors.  A state trooper pulled up and the trucker hightailed it out of there.  The state trooper was uninterested in my slightly hysterical rendition of what had just happened so I let it drop. Since then, if something happens to my car, I stay in the car and wait to be rescued.

But being a single woman for as long as I was, I didn’t have that luxury of being rescued in other aspects of my life. I fix toilets and sinks, devise levers pulleys to get heavy things up and down the stairs by myself, jerry-rig fixes for things, install my own electronics, and other things that Big A seems to find amazing that I can do. I don’t mean that this makes me better than a woman who has a partner, just someone with a broader skill set. I think in a relationship, you get assigned or choose roles based on your strengths. If I had any choice about this incident, I would have let Big A handle the car stuff, because he is better at it than I. He was surprised, the other day, when I fixed our toilet (it was running constantly) and unclogged the dishwasher. I’m sure he could have done these things, but why would I wait for him to when I could. So, though both of us have the skills to unclog the dishwasher, these kind of tasks now fall to me, generally, because I am more willing to do them right away, and he is a procrastinator.

So now, I am undaunted in all aspects of my life!  I can fix a flat! I can change a taillight! I can do other stuff I was unwilling to do back in the day! Hooray for me!

My life is slowly getting back to normal. Dad is doing better (mostly). The court case is over. My performances at 2nd Story are over. A friend who came to the Monday performance asked me what was going on…and I couldn’t think of a thing to tell him. I know this is not the case. I’m kinda busy, but I don’t feel like I am busy for me but rather for other obligations.

I have a number of plans in the works. A new bootcamp starts again on May 24th. I will be there! I have let bootcamp slide a lot because I have been busy, I was out of town, the weather was sucktastic, I’m a lazy bastard, I haven’t been sleeping well, yadda yadda. So I will recommit to that and to WW. Also, there is this thing on Facebook that my friend Merry talked me into: The Summer Novelists Club. God help me, I need to finish my thesis. My mom has this GIANT diamond ring that was my grandmothers and she said she would give it to me for my graduation present and I told her that might not happen (in a fit of depression) and she said she would sell it then AND I CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN. Nothing like bribery, greed, and diamonds to motivate a girl. That ring should be mine! So I am committing to 500 words a day. It can’t be that hard, right? Or WRITE? HA HA ha…yeah whatever.

But the truth is that I need to finish my degree so I can move forward in my life. The fact that my job may or may not be on the chopping block…AGAIN has got me thinking that I have made some poor career choices and perhaps I need to re-think this whole thing. My dad, an HR professional, was out of work so much at the end of his career and it caused him so much anxiety, I would really like a way to avoid that.

Project management is something I am good at, but these positions are not being filled right now. PR either. I really don’t see myself making a living as a novelist. So few people really can. So, what? Massage therapist? Interior designer (this was the choice I always got on those aptitude tests people took in high school, but since my personal design style is arrested at about…high school, it might not be such a good idea). I used to think of teaching, but then I would have to, you know, teach. I can’t abide sick people so all health care is out. I have been told that I  should be a therapist but I have my dad’s lack of patience with people who can’t figure out their shit after I figure it out. Am I playing, “Why don’t you…? Yes, but…” with myself? I envy people with job security. I envy those people who adore what they do. I like my job very much, but it doesn’t fill my heart and soul with fire. I am fully aware that that may be too much to ask and most people don’t have that. Does anyone have a suggestion or advice?

Hey there! It’s been a minute, right? I know, but as I said before, April kicked my ass and May is starting off with a bang.

First off, my dad got released from the hospital and I had to hightail it down to NM in a hurry. Luckily I had a free ticket on Southwest or Dad might have been SOL. Dad getting released from the hospital is a good news/bad news kind of a thing. I am glad he is home, where he feels more comfortable, can rest well, and has resources…like a phone. On the other hand, he is still really wobbly and not entirely with it, making me nervous. I don’t need to air my dad’s dirty laundry on the interwebs, but his condition is entirely of his making and has given a 67 year-old man the health and stamina of an 80 year-old. It was really hard to watch him struggle to remember, struggle to walk, be uninterested in everything, and try and concoct a story in his mind to make all of these now permanent changes okay. And, selfish daughter that I am, I was happy to help him, but happier to get home.

Okay and New Mexico? I know it is beautiful but I really have no idea why he moved there. It was freezing and he is always cold. Everything is 45 minutes away by car at least, and he hates driving, they are a vastly under-served population medically and he needs some really good medical care, and there is not much to do (especially for an old dude with a hip replacement and no athletic ability or a young lady in her 30’s, for that matter). I had to go to Walmart to buy a shower stool and some stuff for dad (I know, Walmart=evil. I am totally with you on that.) and the “greeter” referred to me as Mrs., as in “Good-bye, Mrs.!” with a big friendly wave while I was exiting the store. WTF? What happened to Ma’am? I am used to that at least. The feminist first second or third waves haven’t reached NM I guess.

I had to come home after only a few days because my trial for my taxi accident was yesterday. It was much sound and fury, signifying not a whole heck of a lot. They settled. They could have f-ing settled in 2008 and I wouldn’t have had to pay for two taped depositions and a bunch of lawyer stuff. But I will get a little less than half of what they settled for (after my lawyer takes 30%, I cover his fees, and we pay back my insurance company some of what they paid out) and that may cover my high interest debt, a laptop, and a small vacation. Yeah! I had to adjust my expectations because we started the day talking about $137,000 and I got nothing near that.

And then, last night! My cousin Brian came to town with his band Luce. He is the drummer. He is by far the coolest family I have and one of the nicest and coolest people I have ever met. He lives in San Fran and we don’t see each other much but it was great. And the band was awesome. They are very tight. Go to the website and download their new acoustic album. It’s one of those pay what you want, things, like Radiohead. He is getting married in 2011 in Tahoe and I JUST CAN’T WAIT! I offered him to Big A like a prize because after all the kerfuffle with my father, I wanted to show that I had some really fun and not sickly family. They seemed to dig each other.

My reading is this Sunday and Monday. I am excited but way behind on my responsibilities. I have two rehearsals and tech this week and then two readings. If you see me, offer me an espresso. I will need it.

April and I are done forever. It is the cruelest month.

(Let me pause here and admit that that sentence was hard to write because I have a friend named April. April May, actually, and we are in no way done but it is weird to write it.)

The month of April is thoroughly kicking my ass.

First of all, Dad is sick. In New Mexico. Where I can do NOTHING to help him. I am upset by his disease, his frailty, his stubbornness and also by the numerous phone calls about about from and to him that  I have had to have with him, his neighbors, my family, his doctors, his nurses…over the month. My iPhone never leaves my hand. He is doing much better. He sounds like him again. So I am calming down about that but this is what April brought me first.

Then Big A’s hours got cut. They told him to work faster, and when he did, they cut his hours. Awesome.

I just found out that my job may be on the chopping block in July. Another awesome. But I am trying not to borrow trouble despite the fact this news amped up my anxiety 1000 times.

There is a whole bunch of other little stuff that I normally would have rolled with but my mood is so foul that I haven’t been able to. Like, now I have an inhaler. My very first one. I DO NOT WANT ASTHMA! I started wheezing on the morning runs with bootcamp, so I told my doctor. She gave me an inhaler. I am not happy.

And I have been cheating on bootcamp with my bed. I have been insomniac El Dugan which makes it hard to get up at 5 am so I haven’t been doing it very much. Blah.

So, let’s focus on May, shall we?

In May, I will perform my piece, ironically, about my father and how he is a little crazy, two times for 2nd Story. I will also have several rehearsals which are a little bit of a drag but always end up being fun.

I will also have my court case for my taxi accident. So that will finally be over, which will be great. Just no having to worry about the outcome anymore will be wonderful.

Also, it will be my birthday, which is nice.

Some old friends are visiting from Iowa, so I am looking forward to that.

Yeah, May! Can’t wait to see you.

I have a new crush. It’s Craig Ferguson. I knew he had a show, and I knew he got some attention for sticking up for Brittney Spears during her meltdown, but I don’t know if I ever saw it before FoldedFish posted about Ferguson’s new sidekick; a skeleton robot named Geoff Peterson. Doesn’t that just sound like awesome television? It is.

I loathe Jay. I loathe Dave. I loathe that new guy…um…George Lopez. Jimmy is okay, but just okay. I like it when they slow jam the news. I like Conan but, you know, only so much. Frankly I never watched late night TV until I moved in with Big A. He has old man TV viewing habits; Good Morning America, Martha, Jay Leno.

Ferguson is AWESOME. Funny, smart, handsome, irreverent, interesting, and with a past of his own. He isn’t squeaky clean, never was, doesn’t pretend to be. His monologues are funny. Just that alone should make you check it out. Did I mention the handsome? I loved Ferguson in Saving Grace, a little gem of a movie.  (Also one of my favorite performances of Tchéky Karyo who can be a little scary sometimes.) And the accent? Last night it was Dario Franchitti and Ferguson talking all Scottishy and hot. *Sigh* They talked about haggis. What a cliche! It was awesome.

UPDATE: I have been informed, on Facebook, that EVERYONE has a crush on Craig Ferguson and that I do is like saying the sun is hot. Sorry about wasting your time. Back to what you were doing!

This magnolia is outside my office and, though it is killing my allergies, I am very fond of it. I think you can see why.

So right after I wrote that post about trying to buy my dad a birthday gift, he got sick. I am in no way saying my snark and frustration with him caused his sickness, because – let us be very clear on this- he caused his sickness, but I am awash in a number of emotions, one of them being guilt.

He is currently in a step-down program in an ICU in NM where he lives and he is pretty out of it. My family has really rallied around me to help me out with him, and since I can’t be there, his wonderful neighbors have been visiting him, and calling me to let me know things. In fact, they are the ones who called me and my family, to let us know he had been in the hospital for three days. Dad “didn’t want to worry us.” Huh.

I am unprepared to deal with my father’s mortality. (I am not saying his death is imminent or anything, but it is certainly imminenter.) I thought I was. I am not. I am not sleeping well. My stomach hurts all the time. I have been cranky with Big A and it is very possible that my uncontrolled road rage may well kill me before this whole thing shakes out. I had a dream where my dad put a giant wad of pink bubble gum in my hair and laughed while I had to hack it out with scissors. Oh subconscious, couldn’t you be a little more sub?